I’m a ticking time bomb

I slept at around 5am last night trying to get myself to work on a piece that I’ve been meaning to finish for weeks. I want it to look perfect but I find myself hitting the backspace button countless times that I still failed to wrap the project up. Depp inside I am frustrated, but I managed to pull myself together and just went on to watch my favorite shows online as means of distraction.

I woke up at 1pm today. I went on to start my day with my favorite blend of coffee since I feel like I’m too late for breakfast and lunch. I decided to just skip it and get my caffeine fix. I was okay. I felt normal. I even made a list on my mind on what things I should finish today. I also made appointments tomorrow for this new brand I’m working with.

A few hours later, I felt so irritated. I feel like I am about to explode. With no particular cause, my ugly self just took over. My parents called me to eat something and I did take a few bites but then I suddenly got so irritated. I even pushed my plate in anger, subconsciously. What is wrong with me? I’ve been doing well for a couple of days but here I am once again. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I control my emotions and my mind. I just feel so angry and I began to contemplate on my depressive thoughts once again. I just don’t know what triggers me anymore. It is so difficult.

I felt like hurting myself so I rushed to my laptop and logged in right here. I needed to write. I need to vent this out. I don’t even know what it is but I need to get it out of me.

J.

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Mom

I don’t think I can bear this. My mom’s sick and I can’t bear to see her in pain.

I’m already suffering on my own and it’s been extremely difficult to cope with my demons for years. I couldn’t afford more sufferings to come.

I think I am about to break. Where do I hold on? I am so scared. My parents are my everything and to be honest, I do live for them. One of the main reasons why I have endured all this time is because I can’t bear to leave them behind. They are my all what my life is all about. Now that my mom’s sick, I try my best to be there for her. To take care for her and do my best to relieve her pain.

But how does one make another feel better when she herself is about to break?

How do I stay strong when I’m nothing but a hollow shell?

I don’t even know what to do anymore.

J.

Fuck all those people who belittle your worth

Oh yes fuck em all. Those who take you for granted, take advantage of you, thinks your inferior to them, degrades you. Oh how i hope for all the bad things to come their way.

I just had another nerve-wracking experience today. Guess what, it’s from “supposedly” a family friend. Someone whom we stuck with despite having her shit mess up several times in her life. Ah, today I realized how she’s a major fuck-up.

Well G, you self-entitled trash. How dare you show your ungratefulness to us? After all we did for you and for your messed up family. We treated you like family, and you fucking degrade us as if we were mere minions under your mercy. You ask us to do one thing then another. Follows-up as if we’re obligated to do this huge-ass favor for you and for what? A few fucking bucks and half-assed thank you? Bitch I can earn twice as much in less than an hour. You fucking consumed our time and effort and made my most precious loved ones work hard to save your crumbling ass. I saw how hard they worked and how much stress they went through – all while you sit comfortably at home, watching your dumbass tv shows. I am shaking out of anger as I write this it’s unbelievable how a person can be so fucking thick skinned.

You know what, it’s not about the money anymore. It’s about how you fucking shattered our pride as if we’re your slaves. Huge favor for what? Ah, how ridiculous. “Sorry”, “thank you” and a few bucks just enough for one-way gas just by reaching your place. Fucking funny. Oh? And guess what, the favor we did for you involves you gaining lots of bucks to save your broke ass. But you made us feel like as if we’re actually obliged to do so for you. What’s going in your head?

What really broke me is how my loved ones felt. You fucking insulted them. You know what, if you did it to me, I’ll probably just flip a finger and move on coz I don’t give a shit and I’m not the one who worked so hard. They did. They worked so hard to clean up the shit you made. What’s funny is that you know it’s your fault, and we’re helping you solve it. But what were you thinking? I’m wondering if you are just plain stupid or being ungrateful goes deep in your ugly roots. You’re a mess. Wait til you experience the same thing, wait til you go through the same shit and let’s see. Perhaps it’s because you never really understood effort and hardwork. All you did is depend on other people and wait until they shower you with excess cash. How’s living that kind if life?

Seeing my loved ones so down and disturbed is beyond me. It’s difficult to see them like this. It’s probably because I know how hard it is to work so hard for something – so hard to the point that I’m exhausted, and yet, is still left unappreciated. I had someone degrade me, insult me in exchange of my hard work and loyalty. Left me with nothing, no payment and not even a thank you. I know the feeling and it must be miserable for my loved ones to go through the same. To those people who think they are far more superior than you are, fuck them. I can only wish for your worse days to come as soon as tomorrow. Call me evil and sick for wishing ill for somebody but I am not a hypocrite. I believe that people who do bad things should experience the same thing for them to feel the same pain they caused other people to feel.

Ah, I am beyond angry. I’ll never forget what you did. You’ll never hear again from us. If you’re in trouble, let your wrinkly ass solve it for you. You are on your own. You may find someone else to do the work for you but you’ll know the difference of the work of someone who’s honest and sincere. Let’s see how are you going to be able to clean your own nasty shit.

Enough of the rant today.

To my loved ones, you did very well today. You may be insulted and unappreciated but those who have great understanding and intellect would know how amazing you are. You never give up and you always do your best for us.

J.

Monotony

And I was right.

Today has been quite monotonous and it’s frightening.

I have tons of workload in front of me but as usual, it seems like I can’t fully function due to my lack of interest and motivation. I want all of these things to be done by tonight, I really do. Believe me, it’s not just being lazy but more like exhaustion. I have mentioned countless of times how exhausted I am and it speaks more of an emotional and mental aspect.

Upon descending the stairs as I get my night coffee, I suddenly felt cold..and sleepy. I wanted to take a nap in hopes of shaking off this negativity I am feeling. Instead of kicking my cells with caffeine, I decided to drown myself in blankets in the room downstairs. I closed my eyes and hope I’ll fall into slumber after a couple of minutes.

I failed. It even reached the point that I had to force myself to sleep but I really couldn’t. As I’m alone in the bed with sheets covering my body and face, my mind began to have bleak thoughts. “Ah, here it is again.” It’s me feeling anger and remorse for something I’m not even sure about. I just felt really really horrible and I was thinking about how he left again to solve another problem that’s not even his concern. He went out leaving thousands of our problems behind to try and solve one problem that’s not even ours. Here we go again, I felt so alone. I’m solving things all by myself. One problem arises and everyone looks at me for answers. I’m going to do this all alone again. I’m going to lose everything for myself once again just to help them out.

I felt so angry I started crying. I tried my best to hold it back but it just finds its way out of my eyes. When will I stop having these depressive thoughts? When will all these sufferings end? I just want it to end. How fucking unfair is it that some people do as they please while I can’t? How come others are able to live their lives?

J.

While I Was Gone

Hey 2018. So It seems like I stopped coming here since May of last year. Well, I tried my very best to hold myself together for the past months and it’s been excruciating. A lot of things happened but somehow, it still feels like I am stuck. Like everything else around me is moving forward.. really fast. It’s been unimaginably difficult for me to cope and so it’s quite a wonder how I’m able to last this long.

During my absence in this little space of mine, an opportunity knocked on my door. Finally, something that might give me a tinge of light. I was offered a job I’ve always wanted to have and it seems like they really like my work. Months later, while the job is amazing on its own, all it did was keep me temporarily occupied. I’m still struggling. Despite working so hard, I’m still here, achieving nothing.

I have never felt so depressed until today, which is probably I why I chose to go back here. I was on a Sunday meeting earlier today but I went there with my mind and heart empty. Nothing that was said came close to me, I felt like an empty shell on my seat. After the meeting, I felt like I was about to break down. With no reason at all, my tears started to form at the sides of my eyes and I had to pretend I’m in physical pain just to hide it from my family. I hate it when they ask me about what’s wrong with me. I always find myself not answering at all and just burst out crying instead. I honestly do not know what to say. Everything’s wrong and I don’t even know how to pin point each and every miserable thing about me and my life.

As I reach home, I thought “What exactly is bothering me today? Why on earth do I feel extremely miserable today?” Nothing really happened but somehow, I feel like I was about to explode. I’m not sure if there’s really nothing pushing me or it’s because there are too many reasons that I couldn’t even think of any of them at all.

I guess it all boils down to this – I work so fucking hard. I work so hard but it seems like I’ve lost motivation to do pretty much everything. I am so tired of working so damn hard for nothing. No matter how hard I try, my work is all for nothing. Nobody appreciates what I do and the money is never enough. My pay goes to debts I don’t owe and to endless bills I had to shoulder myself. I feel so alone and I am tired of doing everything all alone. I swear I’ve been trying to pull myself together all this time and I try to be happy in front of others just to convince myself that i am okay. And that everything will be okay. But I’m not okay.. not at all..

A few days ago, I find myself reading this website about suicide. Why was I even there? Thinking about it now frightens me. Do I really want to disappear like that? I know it’s never an option but.. is it the only way for a tired soul such as myself? I find the thought of killing myself quite dreadful, but at the back of my head, I kind of find comfort in thinking that once I’m gone, I will no longer have to suffer. I don’t believe in hell so death does not scare me at all. However, the thought of leaving those I love and those who depend on me horrifies me the most.

I’ve been battling depression for years and even when I had the courage to talk about it to my loved ones a few years ago, I was met with no response. I felt so embarrassed to even admit that I am depressed but what’s even more depressing is when nobody even bothered to say anything. “That’s just normal.” “Others have bigger problems, some don’t even eat 3x a day”

I fear that I’ll wake up tomorrow thinking that I have nothing else ahead of me. The idea of tomorrow being the same with today throws me into a panic. I just wish everything will stop. I wish someone out there will just reach out to me and help me find a way out of this mess.

J.

On Edge.

I just lost it. I heard a faint voice the formed words of knives and I just snapped. I never thought such harsh words would come out of me – and it came from my heart. I never thought I’m capable of letting a voice this loud not until today. The person I love so dearly let soft words out of her that hit me like swords. In return, I gave words to stab too. I was hurt by someone I love and I gave it back twice as much. I fucking exploded.

True enough, there are things that push you to the edge. I thought I was strong by keeping it all to myself. I thought I’m capable of holding it all in me. I thought I can live years putting a happy facade even I was desperately crying for help. Today, all that strength I thought I have just vanished, as if it was never in me in the first place.

My pain, my anger resulted in hysteria. I rushed and I crumbled while I drown myself in tears. I want to hurt myself.. and I did. I did it to numb myself and to divert the excruciating pain I feel in my heart. I reached for the scissors and I just mindlessly did it.

I felt numb. My skin hurts but my mind was at ease somehow. I couldn’t stop crying and I found myself gasping for air. I’m drowning in my own tears.My tears were out of control. My eyes have become so cloudy, I can no longer see. I reached for the scissors again and added a few more on my left arm until I feel numb.

And I was numb. And for a while, I stopped crying. I realized how weak I was. I have been weak all this time. All this time, I thought I was strong. But I’m nothing but a fucking weakling. I let myself burst and my mind was out of it. I can’t remember what exactly happened or what exactly did I do. But I failed not only myself but the people around me too. All this time, I have been trying my best to be strong for them. But here I am, constantly failing. Worse, I just snapped. How astonishing what anger, melancholy, pain and depression drives a person into. Depression drove a once a happy person in the dark and it made sure there’s no way out.

As I write every word here, I feel pain in my heart and my eyes can’t help but water up. It’s tough when it seems like you have everyone on your back yet not a single one fully understands you. Depression isn’t just an emotion or a mood. It’s a condition and it’s real to the very core.

I don’t want to give up. I want to be strong and I will keep on holding onto the edge no matter how desperate it may seem. I just need to know what happens while I hold on. Will I be able to get up? How long should I hold on? I’m afraid of getting completely worn out that it may drive me to fall really deep. For now, I’m just extremely tired.

I fear what tomorrow has in store for me.

J.

Nostalgia

I found myself browsing through my old photos. Visiting pages I used to be very active in. Looking at my random social media posts of me being grateful and me ranting out of anger. I also found myself scrolling through my message history trying my best to dig as deep as I could.

I don’t know what triggered it but I suddenly felt like I want to go back. As I take a look at the past, something in me started to ache and my head began to spin. Is this how nostalgia should feel like? Is it this painful? Is it this difficult that I felt the need to let my eyes drown in tears? It is more than regret that I feel whenever I think about the past. It’s this wistful attachment that makes me want to be in a deep sleep for me to dream about the past. The feeling is inexplicable. It’s so vague. But I know it is something overwhelmingly depressing. I could’ve done so much better, why didn’t I? I had my chances but I guess I took them for granted.

It’s quite sad how things..people.. you used to have are no longer yours. You’re not even sure if you are still remembered by these things that left.  Back then, everything seems so easy. What happened?

J.