I strolled around the shopping mall today and scanned faces of people that happen to pass my way. As long as they aren’t looking at me, I try to stare at their faces as much as I can.
“Is this person happy?”, I ask.
I honestly want to know if these people are happy with their lives. What makes them happy? And while I am aware that they share their own personal struggles, I still think they are in a better place compared to me.
As I wait for my sister while she buys medicine for our very sick furbabies, a middle-aged lady approached me. I wasn’t in my right self, I was immensely vulberable as there’s just too much going on inside my head. I heard her ask for some money for food. I ignored her. I didnt even look at her face. I did it subconsciously as my mind was in a complete trance. I felt sorry for a moment but I realized.. She’s having hard time, but I know I’m going through worse. Nobody in this world is having it worse compared to me. That’s what I genuinely feel for the past couple of years.
Right now, bad things just keep on pouring down. I’m told to count even the littlest blessings and believe me, I am thankful. But isn’t it extremely difficult to count the good things when it’s completely overshadowed by the horrifying things that’s just too much to bear? My dogs, who’s more than family to me, are sick. And I do not have much money to give them the expensive treatments they require. All I can do is buy meds to ease their pain and watch them in difficulty right before my very eyes. My endlessly piling bills, my unclear goals, my unprogressive working pace, people bringing me down, people moving forward fantastically and leaving me behind, pressure, debt, tediousness, conflict, loneliness.. My list goes on and on. I am alone in this pitch dark tunnel and I just don’t see the light anytime soon. When I try to read my previous posts, I can only think about how unfortunate my life has been. It’s been years, and I’m nowhere near the brightside. I am tired of bearing an unbearable burden. I am exhausted of trying to fit in a life that does not want me.
I believe in God. And it is what has been making me hold on all this time. I believe He will end sufferings. I also believe that He will take care of me and love me and hold me. But I am battling with my own demons. Demons that lurk deep within me. And I feel like it’s taking over me and eating me alive. I used to pray a lot, hoping that He saves me. But because of my state of mind, my guilt and my hopelessness, I stopped praying. I can be saved, but maybe the only way to be saved is to exit this life.
I believe in my family. They are my life support. They face hardships too but they are always there to love me, support me and comfort me. I wanted to be the strong one. The more they cry for me and comfort me, the more I felt guilty. I should be the one that’s strong for them. When they need something, I should be the one to provide it. But I am not strong and I am not capable. I am just a ball of negativity pulling everything and everyone else around me, down. A complete loser. I am a failure. I am that one person that the world does not need.
Mom, dad, I am really really sorry. I love you with all my heart and you know that. I show it to you as much as I can. You know how clingy I can be! 😉 But, I tried my very best to be strong. I swear I tried so hard. Even when there are times that I feel extremely depressed to the point that I feel like vomitting and exploding, I tried to stand my ground. In my head, I know it’ll be over soon. He says it’ll all be over soon. But ‘soon’ is just too late for me. It’s not your fault that I am depressed and that I am hopeless. It’s just me not hitting the right notes. I am exhausted and I just know that there’s no other way available for me to be happy again. Please do not misunderstand, I am happy when I am with you. When we go out and eat meals together, when we praise God together, when we ramble about the most random things – I felt happy and comforted. But something is wrong with me. I just feel so dead inside. My heart and mind do not want to breathe, but I force myself to. I try to do even the tiniest things that can make me happy, watch the funniest shit I can watch, do the silliest things I can do.. But my smile and laughter are nothing but involuntary movements. They just happen because my body knows how to do it. But I genuinely feel that nothing ever goes positively behind these smiles and laughters. I am dead. I have no way of being happy. Mommy, daddy, I am extremely sorry. I know this will leave you in pain and knowing about my depression would be very puzzling for you but know that I love you and I will always do. There’s nobody to blame but myself. God is good and loving and He’ll understand. He knows what’s in my heart so maybe, we’ll see each other again and we’ll live happily. No more pain. No more tears. Only happiness, security and.. good food 🙂
To my siblings, you are the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. I couldn’t ask for more. Youre positive, loving, persevere and God-fearing. You do the things you are bound to do and you excel in it. With faith and grace and love. Both of you are beams of light and positive influences to people around you. Including me. I held on this long because of you both. Despite my unimaginable pain, you stood by me and made me smile. You held me when I was drowning myself in tears, trying to hide my weakness from mommy and daddy. You think I am strong but both of you are stronger. I love you more than you know. I would always jokingly tell you that I will crush and kill all those who hurt you and hinder your way. I meant that. Despite the funny note, you know in your heart that it’s real. That’s how much you mean to your elder sister. I need you to be strong, just as how you already are, for mom, dad and yourselves. He will understand. I believe HE understands. He sees through my heart so I know He will forgive me.
For my friends, or generally everybody who knows me, I’m sorry that I could not defeat my depression. Dont blame me or anybody for not seeking “professional” help more. I dont believe those people anymore. It’s all business for them and that’s the truth. You tell me it’s all in my mind? Ha, well. It’s in my damn system. Not just my mind. There’s no other way to make me better. It’s just like this for me and it will always be.
I am sorry I am not enough. I did not work hard enough. I am sorry I’m insecure that’s why I feel so damn shitty when everyone else moves forward happily and successfully. I am jealous of all these people that pass by me. How come you’re so happy? How come you get all you want and explore all the things you want? Wow. I want that. I will have that, someday. But not here.
I am sorry. But I am closing this chapter of my life. I dont know what’s next for me but, yeah, I guess this is my last post. Until we meet again.