When you’re toxic as hell

I’m a huge gunk ball of disappointment. Once again, I am extremely upset of myself because I’m not getting the results I’ve been hoping for.

It must be human nature to expect too much from yourself. And because I work too hard, I fall too hard. Why do I feel like I need to surpass everybody’s expectations of me? Why do I always battle with the feeling that I need to be the best at things? I couldn’t help it. I know such mindset is what initially drove me into depression, this is why I try my best to isolate myself from toxic people and toxic environment. And for a long while, I’ve been doing nicely setting up things on my own and sometimes, even paired with kind, amazing people. But just when I thought things will go smoothly for a much longer amount of time, here comes toxicity. There’s always someone out there that wants you out because of that person’s desire to covet what you have. Let’s call this person T, for Toxic.

Now, I’ve been trying my best to maintain my routine and keep everything at my own pace, just like before. Despite my personal efforts, I assume T, suddenly felt like he/she needed to do better than everyone else. T does this and that, completely disregarding the fact that some people may end up getting fucked up along the way. But T wants to be the shit, so T carried on and on like a dirty politician desperately trying to get everybody’s validation.

I’ve been ignoring this for a long time, not until T now tries to get into my space to take the scene. T probably loves what I do and so T feels like it needed to be stolen away from  me since T thinks he/she does way way better. Well, fuck. The situation brought me back to the system I worked so hard to get away from. The desire to be the best that leads to me expecting too much of myself. Like everything’s win or die for me. I don’t know, it must be the same for T. But what angers me is that nobody’s really pushing T to do so. There’s no need for T to compete and pressure everything around him/her because there’s practically no reason to do so. We’re all fair and square but T feels like he/she needs to be that somebody.

I hate it. I hate the fact that T makes me reflect on myself a little too much. I used to be contented, but now I’m agitated and I’m disappointed because I feel like I’m failing in the littlest things. I feel like everything’s being stolen from me. What did I even do? I have treated everyone right, including you, T. I treated you so damn well but what do you give me in return?

J.

 

I hope you’re suffering somewhere

There are times when I honestly thought I have moved on. But whenever little things would remind me of how you wronged me and destroyed me last month, I couldn’t help but pray for your own damnation. I dont care why you did it and why you chose me as your victim, all I want is for you to suffer.

I dont wish you death. That’s just an easy escape. I wish you suffering from the littlest part of your fucking soul. I want misery to eat you little by little until you feel that death is a better option. I wish you lose something you treasure, or hopefully, someone you love. You deserve it. You deserve every bit of it.

I am suffering from too many things right now. Many of them stems from what you did to me and what you took from me. Life has always been difficult to me and I have always struggled to get by. And then there was this time when you appeared out of nowhere and left me a mark I’d remember for the rest of my life.

It’s been more than a month but it’s still sickening. It’s damn difficult to start over and carry on with what I usually do because of what you did. Fuck you. I can only hope for your misery. I thought I’d forgive you. But maybe, I’m not that forgiving.

I wish you’re in jail, rotting. I wish your family is extremely suffering because of you. I wish all the guilt and pressure drive you insane. I wish you sickness, with you feeling your insides rotting and your bones collapsing. I hope with every spoonful of meal you take, you’d remember the faces of the people you victimized – including me.

J.

Why show up?

What the hell is wrong with you? Who are you? What’s your reason for suddenly showing up?

Well, alright. I won’t say it’s “sudden”, because for some reason, you seem to try to make your ways just to talk to me again. We haven’t talked for years, we are living separate lives so there’s nothing left of us. What’s there to talk about? We don’t even have a reason  to look each other in the eye. You, trying to get my attention in the tiniest, dumbest ways is just getting pathetic. What are you trying to show me? There’s a reason why I fuckin cut you off my life and you know damn well about it.

Come on, it’s really pathetic. I can see that you’re living a different life now and so am I. Let’s keep it that way. Ahh, are you trying to keep in touch again just so you can benefit from me? Well, what you see on social media from all the stalking you’ve done isn’t everything. I have a feeling you’re approaching me because you need something from me. Just like how you did to me before. You even had the guts to ask money from me to save your ass at some point – years after we cut ties. I may look like I’m known and successful with what I do, but my life is pretty shitty as it is now and I have no plans of adding another pile of garbage into my life.

I have blocked you for years, but you seem to find your way huh? Funny. It’s just getting creepy. Just stop it. I dont even know what’s really going on inside your head but I only know one thing for sure – I don’t want to be any part of it. We’re done many years ago. Just let it go. There’s no need to look for me and do some petty attempts to talk to me. I WON’T. You can stalk me all you want, but I won’t give you the tiniest attention. You’re just toxic as always. I dont really care if you have changed (which I highly doubt anyway), it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to be friends, if that’s what you’re trying to do.

You seem to have so much time in your hands. Get a life and just get lost.

J.

Laugh at me

Laugh at me because I’m fucking full of misfortunes

When you read my stories, does it make you feel better? “Ah, there’s someone who’s going through worse than everyone else.” Every single thing is just too wrong. Every single thing is just messed up it’s starting to get really funny. It feels like my life is in some sort of fucking 80s gag show where they fire stupid shit at the person just for everyone else to laugh at.

I used to have good days. No matter how short those days are, no matter how little those “good” things are – at least, I had them. I used to have them but for some reason, they just stopped happening. It’s one misfortune after another. It’s not getting easier no matter how hard I try to survive. Everything is falling into pieces. I try and try and try to fix things – even start over and build things, if possible, but everything still goes down to shit.

I make decisions for myself and it still fails. I let someone else make decision for me and it still fails. What am I even supposed to do? Who am I supposed to blame? Well obviously, the only one to blame is myself. Because I’m worthless and I’m fucking dumb and I’m a fucking mess who tries to show everybody how “okay” I am and how I am doing so fucking “well”.

Why do I have to live like this? How come some people are doing so well. They excel, they do what they want to do, they have pretty much everything I want to have. What did I do so wrong to deserve all of these things I’m going through? I just want to live peacefully. Can’t I do that?

I have mentioned exhaustion a million times. I wish I can just finish everything easily. Do you think making the decision to just disappear is easy? If it’s that easy, II could’ve done it ages ago. I wish I can just disappear and so that everything will just come to an end. I am tired but I am forced to get through all the worst.

 

I must be losing it. I’m laughing as I am writing this. It just became so funny how nothing really changes. From my first post up until now. I still talk about how miserable I am. It’s never going to end, isn’t it? Unless I chose to end it myself.

J.

Why is everything so damn difficult?

Why am I even asking? Yes, at the back of my head, I feel like I do know the answer to this.

I guess the question I should be asking is – until when? Until when is everything gonna be so damn difficult? How much longer do I have to take? Why  does it feel like it’sonly happening to me? It feels like I’m misfortune’s favorite. It’s driving me to the edge and whenever I thought I’m finally okay, I am not. I am still the victim. I have no way out. No matter how hard I try to divert myself and try to be as positive as I can. I just can’t do it anymore.

And I know, you’re probably laughing at me. “You’ve been saying that for years. You said you can no longer bear it, but look, you’re still here anyway. You’re just a gunk of drama.”

Do you really think it’s easy to end things? If only it’s as easy as cutting a piece of cake, I could’ve ended everything years ago. Believe me, I tried. But it’s not easy. If you think breathing is easy, it’s not. Not for me, at least.

I keep on losing things. I keep on losing opportunities. And it’s funny but prior to losing all these, I have already lost myself. As if losing myself wasn’t enough, it feels like the world is taking everything else from me.

I’m supposed to hop on this new journey I have been looking forward to for years. I’ve been planning every bit of it. I was a month away from it. But guess what? It’s no longer happening. After getting mugged out of my sources, after being victimized by devils, after all the physical and mental trauma, I am left with nothing but my broken self. I’m not even sure if it’s still going to happen in the future. I can only hope, but I think I’d choose not to. Enough of all the disappointment.

Every single second, I can only wish that someone would save me. Just get me out of this mess. I’d beg if I have to. If only it was that easy. But everything is difficult. Every. single. thing. is just damn difficult. When does this end?

J.

Mugged, harrassed – a close encounter with death

As if my suffering isnt enough. I even had to go through such traumatic experience. Someone almost killed me. Yes, i almost lost my life to some low-life criminal who took away things I have worked so hard for.

His monstrous expression with a gun in his hand pointing to my face is a scene that repeats itself inside my head. Thinking about it now, it’s funny how everything in my life is wrong and even at one final moment, I cant decide how to finish things myself. I was mugged, harrassed and dragged to the ground just for my belongings.

And I ended up losing these things I own. I live a hard life and owning something would take a lot of work. The robber took away not just my money, but years of hardwork and memories.

This happened just days ago. Every detail is crisp and clear inside my head. It horrifies me and the thought of it makes me shiver in fear.

Now that I am trying to “recover”, a series of bad things continue to happen. From one horrifying event to my same old life full of depression, sadness, remorse – it’s not getting better. I lost an opportunity that I have been wanting to do for years because of the incident. I cant work properly because the incident took off my work materials. Every single day suffocates me and I wonder if this life is even worth living. Should I carry on enduring or should I just end it? What would you do?

I feel nauseaous. I feel dizzy. I get chest pains and I always catch myself gasping for air. My mind and body cant seem to take it anymore. I want to give up.

J.

I’m a ticking time bomb

I slept at around 5am last night trying to get myself to work on a piece that I’ve been meaning to finish for weeks. I want it to look perfect but I find myself hitting the backspace button countless times that I still failed to wrap the project up. Depp inside I am frustrated, but I managed to pull myself together and just went on to watch my favorite shows online as means of distraction.

I woke up at 1pm today. I went on to start my day with my favorite blend of coffee since I feel like I’m too late for breakfast and lunch. I decided to just skip it and get my caffeine fix. I was okay. I felt normal. I even made a list on my mind on what things I should finish today. I also made appointments tomorrow for this new brand I’m working with.

A few hours later, I felt so irritated. I feel like I am about to explode. With no particular cause, my ugly self just took over. My parents called me to eat something and I did take a few bites but then I suddenly got so irritated. I even pushed my plate in anger, subconsciously. What is wrong with me? I’ve been doing well for a couple of days but here I am once again. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I control my emotions and my mind. I just feel so angry and I began to contemplate on my depressive thoughts once again. I just don’t know what triggers me anymore. It is so difficult.

I felt like hurting myself so I rushed to my laptop and logged in right here. I needed to write. I need to vent this out. I don’t even know what it is but I need to get it out of me.

J.

Monotony

And I was right.

Today has been quite monotonous and it’s frightening.

I have tons of workload in front of me but as usual, it seems like I can’t fully function due to my lack of interest and motivation. I want all of these things to be done by tonight, I really do. Believe me, it’s not just being lazy but more like exhaustion. I have mentioned countless of times how exhausted I am and it speaks more of an emotional and mental aspect.

Upon descending the stairs as I get my night coffee, I suddenly felt cold..and sleepy. I wanted to take a nap in hopes of shaking off this negativity I am feeling. Instead of kicking my cells with caffeine, I decided to drown myself in blankets in the room downstairs. I closed my eyes and hope I’ll fall into slumber after a couple of minutes.

I failed. It even reached the point that I had to force myself to sleep but I really couldn’t. As I’m alone in the bed with sheets covering my body and face, my mind began to have bleak thoughts. “Ah, here it is again.” It’s me feeling anger and remorse for something I’m not even sure about. I just felt really really horrible and I was thinking about how he left again to solve another problem that’s not even his concern. He went out leaving thousands of our problems behind to try and solve one problem that’s not even ours. Here we go again, I felt so alone. I’m solving things all by myself. One problem arises and everyone looks at me for answers. I’m going to do this all alone again. I’m going to lose everything for myself once again just to help them out.

I felt so angry I started crying. I tried my best to hold it back but it just finds its way out of my eyes. When will I stop having these depressive thoughts? When will all these sufferings end? I just want it to end. How fucking unfair is it that some people do as they please while I can’t? How come others are able to live their lives?

J.

Nostalgia

I found myself browsing through my old photos. Visiting pages I used to be very active in. Looking at my random social media posts of me being grateful and me ranting out of anger. I also found myself scrolling through my message history trying my best to dig as deep as I could.

I don’t know what triggered it but I suddenly felt like I want to go back. As I take a look at the past, something in me started to ache and my head began to spin. Is this how nostalgia should feel like? Is it this painful? Is it this difficult that I felt the need to let my eyes drown in tears? It is more than regret that I feel whenever I think about the past. It’s this wistful attachment that makes me want to be in a deep sleep for me to dream about the past. The feeling is inexplicable. It’s so vague. But I know it is something overwhelmingly depressing. I could’ve done so much better, why didn’t I? I had my chances but I guess I took them for granted.

It’s quite sad how things..people.. you used to have are no longer yours. You’re not even sure if you are still remembered by these things that left.  Back then, everything seems so easy. What happened?

J.