I’m a huge gunk ball of disappointment. Once again, I am extremely upset of myself because I’m not getting the results I’ve been hoping for.
It must be human nature to expect too much from yourself. And because I work too hard, I fall too hard. Why do I feel like I need to surpass everybody’s expectations of me? Why do I always battle with the feeling that I need to be the best at things? I couldn’t help it. I know such mindset is what initially drove me into depression, this is why I try my best to isolate myself from toxic people and toxic environment. And for a long while, I’ve been doing nicely setting up things on my own and sometimes, even paired with kind, amazing people. But just when I thought things will go smoothly for a much longer amount of time, here comes toxicity. There’s always someone out there that wants you out because of that person’s desire to covet what you have. Let’s call this person T, for Toxic.
Now, I’ve been trying my best to maintain my routine and keep everything at my own pace, just like before. Despite my personal efforts, I assume T, suddenly felt like he/she needed to do better than everyone else. T does this and that, completely disregarding the fact that some people may end up getting fucked up along the way. But T wants to be the shit, so T carried on and on like a dirty politician desperately trying to get everybody’s validation.
I’ve been ignoring this for a long time, not until T now tries to get into my space to take the scene. T probably loves what I do and so T feels like it needed to be stolen away from me since T thinks he/she does way way better. Well, fuck. The situation brought me back to the system I worked so hard to get away from. The desire to be the best that leads to me expecting too much of myself. Like everything’s win or die for me. I don’t know, it must be the same for T. But what angers me is that nobody’s really pushing T to do so. There’s no need for T to compete and pressure everything around him/her because there’s practically no reason to do so. We’re all fair and square but T feels like he/she needs to be that somebody.
I hate it. I hate the fact that T makes me reflect on myself a little too much. I used to be contented, but now I’m agitated and I’m disappointed because I feel like I’m failing in the littlest things. I feel like everything’s being stolen from me. What did I even do? I have treated everyone right, including you, T. I treated you so damn well but what do you give me in return?
J.